Who am I anyway?

Who am I anyway?

Am I my resume?

That is a picture of a person I don't know.

Bonus points if you can name that musical! 

I've been thinking about this one for a few days, in all my "free" time... hahaha I make myself LOL sometimes.

There are certain obstacles we face when adult-ing that we never ever imagined to cross our minds when we were kids.  I'm not talking about budgeting, dieting, or gray hair, I'm talking about the mental conflicts that we face as we grow older and there is more and more put on our plate.  As a kid I struggled to find my own identity, I (believe it or not) was not a leader, I would copy what my friends did, I would look to magazines for MY fashion style, it took me a very long time to find my own identity- thank you college.  But now as an adult, as a wife, as a mom, I find that I am working so very hard to keep that identity, or allow it to evolve without losing myself and only being a mom and wife.  Me, myself, and I are just as important as those 3 kiddos I clean up after!

When we had our first born, our lives changed completely but when he was 5 months old, I changed my professional life completely and put him in daycare, I worked all day for 2 years.  But I really wanted to stay home with them when we had our 2nd, so I quit that job, and we decided I would stay home, open an in home daycare, I said... thinking it would all be a piece of cake.  I am a hard worker, I said... I can make anything, work.  I babysat and nannied pre-kids, I said... this was going to be a breeze- and FUN staying home with the kids, playing happy home maker.  NEWSFLASH to my former self I AM NOT DOMESTIC! What was I thinking?  It was never going to be easy, but I fooled myself into thinking that and guess what, that short-tempered Latin hot blooded woman I was talking about the last post... she's also super stubborn, so don't try to talk me out of anything.  I have to find out for myself, and fall flat on my face to believe it.  

And boy did I fall.  

2016 was the hardest year of my life, mentally, physically, emotionally.  But I truly believe everything happens for a reason, God has a plan, whether we like it or not. Our daughter was born with some pretty hefty health issues that took a LOT of time and attention, especially that first year.  So thank -God- that I was home and was able to care for her ... that in home daycare? It went by the wayside after 3 months, and now I stay home and focus on our kids, we spend a lot of days at doctors appointments, speech therapy, and really, just figuring it all out.  It's our  new normal.  And then, that God I was talking about, with that secret plan he's unravelling as the years go by, He gave us a precious gift, some light to bring us/me out of that funk that was 2016, and now we have our 3rd baby, a bundle of joy, he is the calmest, most chill baby you will ever meet, with about enough hair to put Elvis to shame.  That huge hurdle of a year is now behind us, we now have these three babies each with their own challenges and ALL the joys in the world... we are the most blessed family.

...

Yet why is it that I have to work so hard some days to realize or figure out where that independent spitfire went?  

--Well people, mom-guilt is a real thing. - 

And sitting down for a cup of coffee doesn't happen in this line of work without that horrible nagging feeling that I should be cleaning, making dinner, getting ahead before I fall behind when they wake up from nap.  But guess what? Ever since I was gigantically pregnant this summer I have gifted myself this time.  Nap time is MY TIME to shine!  Shh don't tell anyone it's my favorite time of day.  It's time to reflect, to have a piece of cake, to drink my coffee in peace, to pee without an audience!  --I am also a planner, if you know me this is not new information-- I love me some events in my iCal, color coded, even playdates, yep that's me.  One of my favorite tasks is planning.  And now that our littlest baby is 2 months old, I have finally started making myself a priority.  The 3 of them will live, they will SHINE, even if... especially if, I spend some time on myself.  So I am going back to work ever.so.slowly. and working on my passions, and yes, it makes me more tired, but it makes me more ME which they deserve.  Don't the people I love most in the whole world need to get to know ME as they grow?

A fellow mom said to me this week "How do you do this? How do you have 3 kids and still manage to have a life?" Perception is a witch with a capital B people because I don't have a life,  I just have started making priorities for myself because golly piffle, I deserve it too.  And so do you.... don't you forget it.